It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting up writing in a blog - mostly because I simply can’t sleep.
Wednesday morning started out fairly normally with the hustle and bustle of trying to get three teenagers off to school. Unfortunately, it didn’t stay normal.
My son, who is almost 14, decided that morning he was not going to school. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t suffering from lack of sleep, he simply wasn’t going. After a good 20 minutes of arguing with him, I did something I just don’t do in a case like this. I gave in.
My girls went to school…they go to school about 3 blocks away in our tiny town while my son goes to school in the ‘big town’ of 5700 people about 12 miles away. So, instead of being halfway to ‘town’ taking him to school, I was sitting at my desk grumbling about stubborn teen boys when I heard the sirens.
Within only a couple minutes of hearing them, my daughter, Kaity, calls and says “Mom, it’s Jesi.” I knew who she meant. Jesi is my Jessi’s best friend in the whole world. She is a big sister to Kait and my son and she has called me mom since she was about 10 or 11. She’s my girl - my other girl - and I’m “mom #2″ to her.
I hung up on Kait, grabbed CJ’s (my son’s) shoes and hollered, “COME ON NOW” - got into the car and high-tailed it to the corner of the main highway where I had heard the sirens going.
We live in a town of 169 people - in a county of just a smidgeon over 12,000 - everyone knows everyone. I recognized the fireman who was guarding the accident site and he let me go through. This was ‘my girl’ up there and I was thinking that if she was in an accident, she’d be upset…I knew I could calm her until her mom, who worked in the ‘big town’ could get back here with her.
I half ran up to where the vehicles were…. a Ford van was damaged horribly, but Jesi’s car didn’t look tooooo awful - a smashed in passenger’s side. I started trying to find her. A friend, Andrea, who is a nurse at the local medical clinic, came up and tried to lead me away. I just kept saying, “Andrea, where’s Jesi? I need to find Jesi. Where is she?”
She didn’t answer, except to say “Come over here with me.” I wouldn’t listen, I just wanted to find my girl, ya know? I kept going past Andrea looking for Jes. Andrea finally said, somewhat forcibly, “You need to come over here!” I just looked at her and asked, again, for probably the 10th time, “Andrea, WHERE IS JESI?”
“I did everything I could.”
There’s no words. My world stopped, it felt like my heart stopped. It was then I saw Jesi’s mom sitting on the ground rocking - surrounded by uniforms. I got closer and could hear her “I want my baby, where’s my baby, I want my Jesi.” Over and over and over. I just knelt down and held her hand and told her I loved her.
Jesi’s funeral was today. I haven’t let myself grieve yet - not really. I have my own beautiful Jessi to be strong for, as well as Kait and CJ - not to mention Jesi’s parents, and her 14-year-old sister, all of whom we love dearly. I’m worried sick about my Jessi - she’s a wreck - soul-sick would be an appropriate term - and it’s breaking my heart watching her hurt - I don’t know what to say or do - I can only hold her and tell her how much I love her.
And, I miss our girl. I wish I could tell you how incredible this young lady is (I just can’t say ‘was’). Vibrant, bubbly, talented - she could sing so beautifully, intelligent (she received the letter about being accepted into the National Honor Society the day after her death), friendly, hilarious and a ‘champion’ for the underdog. She hated to see a kid picked on, and she’d stand up for anyone who was the brunt of someone else’s cruelty.
She rarely ‘walked’ - she bounced - it was a skip-bounce really. I’d be somewhere and hear “Hi Mom!!” and see her skip-bouncing towards me, her red ponytail bobbing and a grin as big as the state spread across her face.
And, like a true redhead, she was as ornery as they come - and rarely failed to leave you shaking your head and grinning, even when a good portion of you wanted to bop her one on the hiney. I used to tell her when I’d get on her about something that I was gonna beat her like a ‘red-headed step-child’ and she’d just get this big grin and say “But mom, I AM a red-headed step-child!” and we’d both end up laughing.
I think the most incredible thing about our Jesi is that she truly loved, laughed and lived - she did nothing half-assed - her whole heart and soul went into everything from community theatre, to French class, to school choir to her friendships.
I don’t know how we are going to heal, but I know we will. For those given to prayer or positive/healing thoughts, they would be appreciated for her friends and family.
If you’re a kid reading this - wear your seatbelt - please, please, please wear your seatbelt. If you’re a parent, wear your seatbelt - teach your kids to - don’t move the car until everyone’s buckled - make it such a habit that they buckle up without even thinking about it.
And Jesi, we love you pretty girl.
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Posted on April 17th, 2006 by Dee
Filed under: Ain't Motherhood Grand?
I see two and a half years have gone by since Jesi was so tragically taken from you. How are you doing? How has Jessi coped? And her biological Mom? THank you for the lesson, i will never drive without a seatbelt again!
Take care of yourself,
Andrea
Andrea, thank you for this comment, you have no idea what it means to me. It’s still difficult. Graduation was particularly tough. My Jessi was Valedictorian and we sat with Jesi’s parents and sister. During the ceremony, the graduating class each brought Kris (Jesi’s mom) a yellow rose, given along with a hug, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the auditorium. My Jess started college a few weeks ago and it seems with each milestone she reaches I can’t help but think about where our other Jesi would be, what she would be doing, at that time in her life. It’s gotten easier, there’s not everyday tears, but there is everyday thoughts. My Jess hasn’t developed another ‘best friend’ friendship since Jesi’s death - I think she is afraid of getting that close again. Hopefully, with time, that fear will subside. I also think she fears that Jesi will be ‘replaced’ - some day she’ll realize that’s impossible. I’ll post my Jessi’s Valedictorian speech here as soon as I can find it. Again, thank you so much for asking.
Many blessings,
Dee